i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Randomize
