No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
