we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
last night I used snow as a chaser
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
