I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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