One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
They are going to name an STD after you.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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