im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
