Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
