I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
