think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
