:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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