The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
