The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
