I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
