i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
