You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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