WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
