I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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