yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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