She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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