i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
