I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
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