we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
