oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
