I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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