dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
