Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
