Cold hands, warm shart.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
