Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Randomize
