I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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