Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
