I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
