And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
