If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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