and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
