so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
