paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
