Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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