Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
