Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
