You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
