dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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