Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
