dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
