girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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