i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
