Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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