every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
