I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
