My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
