Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize