after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
