I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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