Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
