I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
