I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
