Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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