I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It's official drugs can't kill me
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
If I die, sorry about rent.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
