i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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