she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
