I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
